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August 2, 2013

Thursday - It's Not What If... it's What Now?

Jennifer and family have deemed today to be “Throwback Thursday”.
There is no distance here on
earth as far away as yesterday

A day of reflection on the most cherished memories and moments the family has shared throughout Diesel’s past 9 and 1/2 years. So today’s blog will have lots of great pictures from the past with funny comments to accompany them.

It is today that we can look back, laugh and reminisce about the good times.

I know the blog is rather lengthy today but if you can only spare a few moments to scan Jennifer’s words and view the pictures, please take the time to read how Jennifer explains to her 10 year old son Gage, why they must let Diesel go. I don’t think I have ever in my life heard a better way to explain to a child why they are forced to make this decision.

Jennifer writes:
“While you have shown me the wisdom of living in the present, Diesel, sometimes it can be hard to appreciate where you are in the moment if you don't stand back and review how far you've come.

Today, we scrolled through so many photos and video for what I have deemed to be "Throwback Thursday".

(When I suggested such lunacy, Diesel peered at me from his bed, but didn't object with his usual "talking back" so I inferred his agreement and we're rolling with it.)

Snuggles on couches are good!
 Last night, was tough... just before bed Gage asked, "How do you say goodbye to somebody who has been there all your life?"

I didn't know what to say... (I'm learning the same thing myself) I told him how I would, "whisper it to him softly with all your heart so he has to focus to hear the voice he knows and loves - because when anybody focuses on something that much - their soul hears it and they never forget it."

The concept that even though Diesel's heart beats, his mind is aware and his soul is bright, his body is failing and because of this he is not balanced.

(Through copious hours of watching/reading National Geographic and endless observations of "Caesar's Way", Gage understands the reasoning but isn't comforted by it.)

Gage, our 10 year old son, isn't that different from our 9 and 1/2 year old Diesel - he's just little boy who lives in the moment.

So how can I explain this in a way that he can visualize this journey in a positive manner?

Gage was at day camp and went roller-skating. He was all excited about the disco ball so I used that fresh "in the moment" experience as reference.

At the roller rink, the disco ball shell was not broken and could turn easily, it was placed in the center of the room, the light inside shone brightly and the power was on. Because of all these things the disco ball was able to sparkle and shine. It reached all the corners of the rink and touched everybody that was there and it was awesome.

He agreed.

So I told him that Diesel is kind of like the disco ball. His heart is in the perfect place so his love covers all of us in the house. His spirit shines just as brightly as that disco ball and is fully capable of sparkling and filling our souls with light.

His mind is powered and fully charged... but his body - his shell - isn't as well put together as it once was - it doesn't turn or move so easy - because of that he isn't able to shine as much as his heart, mind and soul would like to... that's not so awesome.

Diesel deserves to sparkle and shine brighter than the stars... we have to let him be awesome again.

While the moment of understanding didn't stop the tears, it became a transformation of thought; from "putting him to sleep and having him die" to letting go and setting him free of his shell that can no longer contain his bright, sparkly, shining awesomeness.

You were the guest of honour Diesel - we could still hug
you, pet you and thank you for gifting us with your life...
you acknowledged, and then wanted popcorn. :0)
Tonight, Alyssa made popcorn and we viewed the photos and videos we have recorded of moments with Diesel over the years... he took centre stage on his bed but was far more interested in the popcorn.

What a special time it was to see our Diesel grow with our family as we sat together to watch these snippets of time become a collective "now" moment that showed a timeline of laughter, kisses, snuggles, hugs and love...

...endless, timeless, absolute love.

It also showed how far Diesel has come and seemed to provide us with the confirmation that he really has lived a full, happy, purposeful life.

Bath time checker, yup! All areas are done.
He had a huge purpose in our life - from bath time supervisor, playtime buddy, snowman architect, the only "teenage boy" allowed on Alyssa's birthday, Halloween buddy to Gage, and all the snuggle and cuddle moments with us that we cherish with all our hearts - our life would have not had the same richness, depth, wealth or meaning without him.

By the way, Diesel, you had way too much popcorn... and you left a puddle of drool on the floor from all the pieces you wished you could have gotten... 

...the jury is back on the drool - and it's okay... was always okay. are our Diesel and that's what makes you, well, Diesel."

"Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave." ~A.A. Milne

You will never be forgotten, you are unmistakably unforgettable Diesel.

I will never forget the first few days when you came home.

You gave me a piece of your heart in exchange for a collar.

Isn't that the way it works? All your love in exchange for a collar that
says "you're home"? I was so wrong, it was all my heart, my soul and my
love I gave you - the collar was a just symbol... and home was what I
longed for when I called for you... "Diesel come home" or
"Diesel I'm home"... Diesel = home

You were born with a squeaker fetish.

*** Surprise**
Nose kisses are therapy!
Water tables in the summer are the
biggest, baddest opportunity for a drink!
When they get down to your level - they're interested.
Diesel kisses are always awesome!
When possible beg, don't take cookies...
There are consequences for actions...
like taking cookies...
(but with that face, I gave him 2 more!)
Some use "the force"....
Diesel uses "the face"

Eventually you took over the couch.

My tears pay tribute to the realization that his beautiful energy has no awareness of - because he knows nothing other than anything is possible. ...and as I shut myself in the bathroom and quietly cry so I don't upset him - I hear his legs dragging on the tile and the jingle of his collar as he comes to see if I'm okay... God their only fault is that they cannot live forever and be guardians of our world.

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